WHEN CHILDREN LIE – AND HOW TO ADDRESS IT

One day one of my children, 4 years old, came to school one morning and told me “My mom asked for the same decoration sticker you gave me yesterday; can I get one for her?” As it is hard to believe that an adult would make this type of request, I realized she was making up this story to get her way – a form of manipulative lying that is rather common among children.

There is another type of lying that has a completely different cause; an attempt to protect themselves. An example is a child breaking a glass with juice and spilling it all over the floor. Let’s assume the parent gets upset about it; when something similar happens again there’s a good chance the child doesn’t want to provoke this reaction again, and will try to find ways to hide it or ignore it.

A third type of lying is caused by a desire to call attention to themselves, which can lead to the child spinning fantastic stories.

When we catch children in a lie, how do we most effectively deal with it?

Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. They typically are very aware they have told a lie, and they know they will either get caught in a lie, or get away with it. They will monitor the situation to see which direction it might go. A first reaction should be to not show anything, keep them in limbo, so to speak. Regardless of the type of lie it’s best to stay calm, and not to accuse them, but instead to ask questions, trying to understand what happens. Instead of making accusations, communicate to them that we always want to tell the truth, and that we want to find what the truth is, together. In truth, children at a young age always want to help out. I would also tell them that telling the truth can be really hard, but if you do, it will always make you stronger. I try to get to the truth by asking questions: “Did this happen all by itself?” “Was this done on purpose, or was it just a mistake?” Often this will lead to the discovery of the truth; interestingly, the child who was responsible answers these questions first, and in a very sincere manner. I encourage the responsible child to come forward, apologize, and help with the clean up (or whatever is necessary to correct the situation). In the event none of the children come forward, I will start to attach repercussions, by for instance withholding from the entire group something they really like to do, such as playing or art classes, etc. This might lead to finger pointing, which I don’t pay attention to, instead raising the expectation that the child responsible stands up, comes forward, tells the truth, and will end up stronger. When he or she does, usually in less than a few minutes, I strongly applaud the child who has taken that step, and make clear how much I appreciate that he/she is a good role model for the entire group.

There is a potential downside to this approach – and that is they begin to do this on purpose, so they can draw attention to themselves. I therefore take that child apart sometime later that same day, and again emphasize the importance of coming forward and telling the truth, but that it’s better to always come forward right away, and tell the teacher, instead of trying to hide what has happened.

In a Montessori environment, children learn by making mistakes, and learning how to control errors helps them to grow and develop. Therefore, if they make a mistake, it is acceptable, unless they do something on purpose, and create a danger to themselves or others. When children come my classroom I review with them the rules of the classroom, which includes how to take care of materials, and being honest at all times. They know that when they make a mistake while learning it’s not an issue.

As soon as children comprehend how to tell a lie, they sometimes call the attention of the parents by manipulating or testing them. Particularly if both parents work, and can spend relatively little time with their children, they have the tendency to not confront their children about these attempts, and assume the stories are right by default. When the parent wishes to address this with the school and/or the teacher, it is best to not do this in front of the child, as doing this would give the wrong impression to the child, as it strengthens the impression on the part of the child that parent and teacher can easily be manipulated.

A final thought: young children can on occasion come up with stories that are fantastically vivid and potentially realistic – this is very often the result of mixing up dreams with experiences during their waking hours.