DO NOT BE AFRAID OF YOUR CHILD

During the time when one-income households were still the norm, several decades ago, the father was typically the breadwinner, and the mother the homemaker, taking care of the children and teaching them norms and values, with the father taking more of a verifying role in the raising of the children. Children would play together in the community without a lot of direct interference by the adults. What the children learned at home, they tested out among the other children, teaching themselves to adapt to the community.

When women started entering the workforce in large numbers, the early assumption was that the additional purchasing power of the family could benefit the education of the children, providing them with additional options. But this trend towards two-income households also had several unintended consequences, as education doesn’t exclusively take place at school; it occurs in different environments, the home, the community. For children playing after school with other children in the neighborhood, or visiting each other’s homes, the absence of the mothers has removed an element of self-discipline and control that children used to impose on themselves when they knew their mothers were at home.

The time right after school used to be highly structured, with the mother inquiring about what they had learned, and providing feedback. It was a time to compile, to process what had been learned throughout the day before going off to play with their friends. Now this time is no longer available, and has become much more unstructured, disorganized. Mothers cannot recoup that time lost when they come home from work, as they have to get involved in doing other household chores such as preparing dinner. Fathers sometimes get involved in this feedback process, but this role reversal tends to confuse children.

In general, parents are aware they are not meeting a specific need of their children despite their best efforts, and children feel they are missing something without being able to verbalize that – this creates an element of restlessness in family homes, a sense of chaos.

So parents start to compensate for this loss, giving them more material such as toys, games, clothing, instead of their time, or by providing them with all types of structured activities their children can engage in after school. But given the time pressure, all this is taking place in a rush, and with activities often being competitive, this is creating a strong destabilizing imprint on children’s souls.

So all this becomes a vicious circle – the increase in activities only serves to increase the sense of restlessness among all family members, which leads to compensate by giving even more – more games, more toys, more activities. Children react by showing their displeasure, giving in to anger and dissatisfaction. They cannot verbalize what they are missing, and instead become more demanding. As parents cannot deeply understand their children’s behavior, but have this sense of guilt, they tend to give in to their children’s demand.

This dynamic can be contrasted with parents who have decided to devote more time to their children - in my experience, the children of parents who spend time with them after school are more fulfilled, calmer, happier, and less competitive compared to children who do not have that time. These parents are also able to say ‘no’ to their children, and they accept a ‘no’ in a very reasonable manner.

In my opinion, it is also critical for children to be able to learn by playing with their peers with minimal adult supervision. Extra-curricular activities are almost always dominated by adults orchestrating these activities. Children should be allowed to build up themselves without a lot of adult intervention; we should prepare a proper environment for this to occur.

The bottom line is this; try to spend more time with your child, and don’t be afraid to say ‘no’. There’s no question this will be a benefit all the way around.